A fascinating and powerful thing I learned years ago: humans aren’t very good at hearing the words “you should.” Those words send a loaded message to the recipient: “I know better than you do, and since you aren’t doing what I think you should, I think you’re ignorant.” We take it as an attack and react defensively, returning the volley with our assertion that we know the situation better than anyone, and give a litany of reasons why the suggestion won’t work. We walk away from the interaction feeling bruised, lessened, unsupported.

So how are you supposed to approach someone when you think they’re doing something harmful? Sometimes you need someone to hear your concerns. The proposed shift is to use “have you considered” instead of “you should.”

Turns out, it makes a real difference. You’re not telling someone you know better, you’re asking them to share what they’ve already thought through. Now, it’s a meeting of peers. People will engage with you, talk earnestly and openly. Often, talking through the situation out loud, using you as a sounding board, they’ll arrive at the conclusion you’re seeing, only they get to own the decision. Even if they don’t see what you see right away, your choice of words has let them be open, and a seed has been planted.

These words can distract you from your true intention

A close cousin to “you should” is a phrase that rears its head often in the tech world: “you’re doing it wrong,” usually said about a technology, architecture, or process choice. Here are some of the ways “you’re doing it wrong” feels like an ill fit to me:

• Everything we do, it’s all wrong, eventually. Every technology choice we make today will get its turn to be wrong. With time, every solution will age poorly, will be supplanted by improved approaches.
• That “wrong” technology choice: is it helping someone? If people are getting benefit out of what has been built, then it has value. There should be pride in that, not shame. It may not be ideal, but it’s not wrong.
• Even more blatantly than “you should,” “you’re doing it wrong” overtly tells the listener that you think they’re dumb. It’s a smack on the hand. It’s not an invitation to get to a better place, it’s a condemnation of the current position.

So, let’s start considering some other ways to get to what you’re meaning to say. What is really meant by “you’re doing it wrong” is that there is a better way. Let’s focus on that. Let’s take the mockery out of the equation.

Shift focus to your real goal: improvement

People are probably stuck using a less-than-ideal technology solution for one of two reasons: they’re saddled with some extenuating circumstances and are painted into a corner, or they just don’t know any better.

In the former case, you have an interesting problem — but as a programmer, you should find these kinds of problems interesting (ack! I’m sorry, there I go busting out with “you should...”). Consider digging deeper into the circumstances. You might learn something.

In the latter case, where they don’t know better, can we recognize that someone is going to get to learn something new? This is wonderful! Why should there be any shame in that? Today is the day that they get a leg up on the world, and you’re there to help them do it. That’s a moment of bonding, a moment of celebration.

Obviously, I struggle myself with removing some of these loaded phrases from my vocabulary. We can be flawed together. Don’t hesitate to ask me to consider that there might be a better way if you hear me shoulding on someone.